Lonely Hearts
by CaptScarlett
Summary: Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? Short and silly and definitely not a songfic.


A/N. In the spirit of VD (either the holiday or a potential side effect thereof), a few lonely hearts ads for the characters of GWTW. Obviously some of them are dead or married or whatever, just go with it. There is no particular time setting for any of these. And wow, how scary to post something again!

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Former Southern Belle turned twice-widowed estranged wife now interviewing for position of husband no4. Candidates must be wealthy for continued funding of extravagant lifestyle, willing to overlook possible alcoholism, bipolar tendencies and propensity for coveting unobtainable men. Hobbies include fly-catching with honey, procrastinating and use of unusual expletives. Successful tailors, architects and upholsterers welcome. No children, no doormats, no Yankees. Ex blockade-running, profiteering Scallawag Charlestonian cads need not apply.

XOXOX

Irascible, pot-bellied, bachelor lawyer seeks female of rational persuasion, willing to liaise on his behalf with silly old woman. No romance desired, connection made for business purposes only. Remuneration offered commensurate with distasteful nature of task. Request sensible applicants only.

XOXOX

Bitter overshadowed younger sister seeks that rare specimen of man resistant to any and all attempts at beau-snatching by scheming female sibling. Possession of all limbs preferred. No other requirements.

XOXOX

Wealthy, handsome, conceited reprobate lately rejected by long term investment seeks charming lady willing to be kept as pet. Must have immunity to occasional drunken rages, sarcastic jibes and sardonic smiles. Tolerance of pre-existing mistresses essential. Green-eyed brunettes need not apply.

XOXOX

Atlanta madam seeks Southern gentleman benefactor not besotted with wife or other for true love and devotion. Recommend appreciation of cheap perfume, dyed hair, face paint and red velvet. Aversion to cohabiting with half-naked girls will prove preclusive. Widowers or bachelors preferred. Medical knowledge and access to mercury likely to be beneficial.

XOXOX

Well-meaning little ninny devoted to charity work, grave beautification and saying Boo to geese seeks alternative to limp-wristed husband for one-off weekend of sexy fun. Applicants wishing to fill the position must have effective knowledge of contraception and a willingness to use it. No strings. Close relatives considered.

XOXOX

Timid old maid in britches seeks soft-hearted lady for indulgence in mutual pussyfooting. Owner of successful store and lumber business, enjoys days spent fussing and clucking when not abed with grippe. Objections to thin ginger whiskers, questionable teeth or being called 'Sugar' may prove problematic. Respondent must aspire to fulfilment of traditionally assigned gender role within relationship.

XOXOX

No wuthless fools, no mules, no free issue niggers, no trash. Gempmums only.

XOXOX

Sexually frustrated husband too embarrassed/impoverished for visits to house of ill-repute seeks likely individual for physical relief. Mediocre in business and bedroom, living off charity of others but intellectual and handsome in a delicate sort of way. Persons in possession of expansive library for mutual literary enjoyment and erotic fantasy role-play considered favourably.

XOXOX

Unlucky-in-love, strait-laced, moralistic miss with compulsion for vilifying and grousing seeks male equivalent of same. Favourite hobbies include rumour-mongering and tongue sharpening. Bible thumpers and sanctimonious prigs welcome and preferred.

XOXOX

Plump, childlike female in latter years seeks supplier of small luxuries for pampering, flattery and hand-kissing. Severity of resulting hysterics, heart flutters and vapourings directly proportional to desirability of gifts. Overtly masculine specimens need not respond however strong arms may be advantageous. Access to smelling salts essential. Pair of no4 shoes (while wholly inappropriate) will be readily accepted.

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Fanficwriter seeks reviews as cure for writers' block. In return, free virtual baked goods and/or what you fancy. Thanks for reading.

If you don't know the pina colada song, go down to your local record shop and ask to buy the tape. Alternatively, just youtube it. ;P


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